Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.
The character of Truvey Jones in Robert Harling’s “Steel Magnolias“
A friend recently commented that he’s at the point in life where he’s losing people, mostly older relatives, but also cultural touchstones of his youth—singers and actors were who immediately sprang to mind. He knew that was just going to accelerate, the older he got. Another friend who was with us agreed but said, “I’m losing people too but I’m also gaining people…several close friends are having kids, I’m discovering new singers and actors, and I think I made a new friend this week while out running.”
We were all silent for a few minutes and then talked about how the losses seem to just happen but the gains require you to be actively involved. Sure, your friends are going to have kids whether you know about it or not but the degree to which their joy adds color to your world depends on you. Ditto with finding new experiences and people. They’re out there already but you have to be awake, aware, and sometimes even roll up your pant legs and wade out to find them.
This stuck with me and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about it. The losses can really take a toll, especially during things like disease, war, or even just stupid bad luck. During the bad times, it seems like all we can do is try to hold tight to what matters and do our best to survive…to get through it.
But life doesn’t happen like in a comic strip; we don’t get one panel or emotion at a time. We don’t get to just spend our time and energy trying to get through the rough patches. Not only does life go on during tragedies; happiness is still possible, even if it isn’t front-and-center.
Speaking of which…
I was at the funeral of a much loved local teacher recently and the flower sprays that covered the casket were incredible; I knew they were the work of a local florist who is a friend. She is one of the happiest people I’ve ever known and she truly loves what she does. She once told me that it brings her great satisfaction to be able to create floral arrangements that express what is felt so deeply but can’t be put into words by those who are feeling both love and loss. She doesn’t mourn or feel sorrow while she creates these amazing floral tributes, though she knows exactly how and why they are used. As I looked at the casket, I thought of what all of us there had lost but also of the beauty of the flowers and the joy in the person who arranged them. Once you see how the sadness and happiness are mixed and overlay each other, you start to notice it everywhere: gains overlapping with loss. And of course, even during the funeral, there was laughter. Memories shared that were joyful and truly amusing. We didn’t just cry and then laugh; we laughed through our tears.
The tears are easy; they will come each time there is a loss. And my friend was right—there will probably be more and more losses going forward.
The challenge is to find the laughter or at least the joy…the beauty amidst the sorrow and the gains sometimes barely visible even as we feel something slip through our fingers. When we’re hurting, it’s far too easy to lose sight of the gains—the people and relationships that have come into our lives—that are simply waiting for us to be awake and aware enough to reach for them. But we must because those are the things that will keep us afloat and able to not just continue on, but to do so laughing through our tears.
