Page 291 - Foundations of Learning, 4th Edition (Revised)

1. Thesis statement: The argument or purpose of the paper is clearly stated.
What is the main purpose or point of this essay?
a. In what ways does this essay make the point effectively?

The thesis of a “fairer” system is not really clear. There are several alternatives presented and it’s
not clear who has responsibility for all of them.

b. What could be done to make the main point more effective?

It might be more effective to specify that the college, including the students, need to address all
transportation and parking needs. The “us against them” narrows the topic a bit.

2. Relevance: The writing contributes something unique to the world; the intended audience is likely to
find it valuable, important, and interesting because it resonates with their needs.
Is the writing relevant to the intended audience? (Does it “connect”?)
a. In what ways is the writing relevant?

This is a great topic because it’s so relevant to all of us—especially as gas prices keep going up!
Abby’s ideas got us thinking about how we could work on this issue.

b. How could the writing be more relevant to the intended audience?

It might be good to interview more students or maybe do a questionnaire. That would make it
relevant to even more students. And: what do teachers think about all this?

3. Depth of knowledge: The breadth and depth of knowledge demonstrated by the writing gives the reader
confidence that what is being said is substantial and comprehensive.
Does the writer demonstrate a depth of knowledge?
a. In what ways does the writer demonstrate that he/she knows what he/she is writing about?

Abby made a great start on the issue. She knows the policies for the school, which is important.
She might be a little locked into the “us against them” idea we mentioned.

b. How could the writer better demonstrate a depth of knowledge?

Abby could do some more research (see #4) and then do some analysis and reflection. That
should give her a greater depth of knowledge on the topic.

4. Accuracy of the evidence: The credibility of the writer is established because each item of key supporting
evidence is properly cited and referenced.
Does the writing show evidence of research and use of credible sources?
a. In what ways does the writing show that research was performed?

Abby did a good job with local colleges, talking with someone from the city, and interviewing
students. This was all necessary for her essay.

b. How could additional research strengthen the writing?

She might want to look at other commuter colleges in cities about our size and see what they
do. She also could look into costs for her proposed solutions. What about an interview with the
person who oversees parking? Maybe even the college president or someone from the board?

Chapter 11 — Writing in College 285